30 mins
I warmed up to some recordings of Misa's tech class and also a warm up CD by Ellen Johnson. I also practiced "Someone Like You" for the audition I had this afternoon.
Week 2 Challenge Stats- HALFWAY POINT!
Vocal Practice Sessions- 15/30
Private Voice Lessons- 2/4
Coaching Sessions- 0/2
Live Vocal Performance- 0/1
Live Professional Performance- 0/1
Live NYC Audition- 0/1
You Tube Demo Recording- 0/1
BDC Dance Classes- 8/20
Charitable Deeds- 0/5
Daily Blogs- 15/30
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On the 6
In E! True Hollywood's Story of Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer talks about her fight to the top-- growing up in the Bronx and riding the 6 train to Manhattan every day to go to auditions. Insert: Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got, she's still, she's still Jenny from the block. Well today I rode the 6- from Manhattan to the Bronx, transferred to a local bus, and then walked half a mile in the rain. My hope was that this treacherous journey would be part of my beautiful 'fight to the top' story. So after 1.5 hours of transit, I was ready for my very first singing audition.
To set the scene, I was asked to sing on a stage in front of the auditioning panel and in front of the other candidates auditioning. Oh ya, and I had to sing a cappella. Ohhhh ya, and I was videotaped. Awesome.
Needless to say, I was ridiculously nervous and my voice was really shaky. After I finished, the director said that I was really good, but he wanted me to sing again. He told me to take a deep breath, ignore the video camera, and just try to relax. So I took a few deep breaths and started again, this time just from the chorus. No dice. Just more tremors and trembles. Soooooo frustrating!
Anyways, I went back to my seat, teared up a little bit (being careful not to let anyone see and more importantly not to ruin my audition makeup), and I secretly swore off all singing and dancing for the rest of my life. I decided that my years of training equipped me to appreciate the art and be the number one fan of all things musical and movement based, but I never again wanted to feel the way I was feeling in that moment-- embarrassed, crushed, and devastated. I was tempted to pack up my stuff and go home, but I didn't want to be a 'quitter'. I know, I know, the irony of it all. So I stuck it out, and we did a hip hop routine to the Beib's-- obviously someone in that room knew the secret to my broken heart. They also had us perform a jazz routine, freestyle, and tricks across the floor. I was definitely more in my element, and overall I was pleased with my dance performance.
Here were observations and takeaways from the day:
1. I'm really dramatic.
2. Now, where I am at this stage in my life, I'm realizing that this fight has become less about 'making it' and more about conquering the fear. I could go to 50 auditions, back-to-back, not be selected for a single show, and be completely content... if I knew that I did my best. The problem is, I never feel like I've given my best performance at audition. No one has ever heard or seen the real me perform; it's always the fear-ridden me. I don't want that to be my story. So that's what I'm fighting for in my final months in NYC- the ability to share my training, and passion, and artistry without being overshadowed by the dark clouds of insecurity.
3. Which leads me to my final lesson of the day. I have to stop waiting for others to believe in me; I have to believe in myself first. Today when the choreographers had us do technique across the floor, I tensed up for a second, then I realized I was totally fine-- I did a double pirouette into an axle into a grand jete. In the jazz dance, we had to do a triple outside coupe turn, a hinged fan kick, and a tilt kick. At one point in my dance training, those things were all foreign and 'impossible' to me, but today it actually calmed me because I knew it was there. By 'there' I mean, it was in my body; I didn't have to think about, it was just muscle memory. My body knew when to plie, when to spot, how much momentum to give, where to place my hands-- it just happened. I was able to stop thinking, and just trust. It's like when I went back to Texas after not driving a car for 4 months, for a second I wondered if I was still going to know how to drive, but once I started the car, I realized how silly that notion was-- of course I remembered how to drive! So now I have to learn those same muscles with my voice. I'm sure that one day I will be able to get to a point where the technique is all there, and I just have to access it. And when I'm nervous, it won't matter because I'll feel confident in my training, and I'll trust my body to just do. But as I work towards that point, I have to believe in what I already have. I can't keep approaching every singing situation with timidity, waiting for reassurance, and then continuing on. If I keep building those patterns, I will always end up in a state of failure-- where my first pass at a performance, I'm shaky and nervous waiting for someone to affirm me before I can really give it my all. Furthermore the art of it all is lost, as the performance becomes more about the approval than about the expression, and that, more than anything, is the tragedy.
So with that, I'm re-committed and re-inspired to take on Week 3-- more tech classes, more performance classes, more private lessons, more practice sessions, more auditions-- bring it on.
Where there is fear, there is not true art, and where there is true art, you will find no fear.
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